I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
