You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
