She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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