last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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