If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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