its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
