I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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