Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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