Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
