Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
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my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.