she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas