This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?