hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.