I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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