I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
