Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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