I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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