so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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