The maid of honor just puked.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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