I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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