just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
