Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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