someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wanna go halves on a baby?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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