Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
