Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
