had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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