i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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