wakey wakey hands off snakey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
