I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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