I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
