dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
