Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
