Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
