my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
