I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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