tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
