At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
