Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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