there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need water and some morals
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
