So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
