woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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