I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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