On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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