I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
