he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
