and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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