Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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