You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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