if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
