So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
