they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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