Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
