At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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