I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
