so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
