I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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