3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
