he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
