You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
