the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
