i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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