I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
