My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
