cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
